Where are you? I’m at this restaurant, the one where we ate breakfast that day you called. You were feeling down so we came here for breakfast. I got the Mornin’ Burger because I knew you would roll your eyes at the fact that it had a fried egg on it. I’m here now. I’m not getting the Mornin’ Burger. Without you here there’s no point. Again I ask, where are you? Why aren’t you sitting across from me, with that pained look in your (BEAUTIFUL) eyes, but laughing anyway? You have no idea how much I miss you, and that’s my fault. You drove me absolutely mad sometimes, but in addition to that you were an amazing big sister. And you loved me, so much, something I am only just now seeing and feeling. Is there anything more heartbreaking than feeling love from someone after they are gone? And I don’t just mean after they are no longer in your life, I mean after they are dead. Unrequited love on steroids, you might have said. It’s just over the line of what I can handle. But I don’t really have a choice do I? You would get a good laugh out of the fact that I thought it was a good idea to leave work in tears and come to this restaurant, where I am literally blowing through a stack of napkins. The waitress is pretending not to notice my snotty nose and glistening eyes but she is incredibly gentle and quiet about things like pouring water and setting my coffee on the table and brining me more napkins. But who knows, she may be totally grossed out that I plan to eat an omelette through tears.

I miss you, so much. But what’s worse is I love you so much, so much more than you knew and so much more than I knew, it was buried under all the other crap we let rise to the surface for so many years. I try so hard every day to figure out how I can let you know how much Ioved you but I am at a loss.